Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
