Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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