I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
