I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
