Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
