Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize