Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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