that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
