Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
