he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize