I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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