He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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