Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize