Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
