you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
