Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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