you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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