remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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