How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
