if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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