It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
