I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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