..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Say something about gay babies.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
