Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
