You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
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