We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I would fuck him just for his dog
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
