Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
