I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
