The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I just want to make out with him forever
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
