Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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