You can't motorboat a personality
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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