i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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