i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize