I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
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