Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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