I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
