I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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