oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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