IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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