WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
it's like iHOP with fire
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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