so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
