I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
