i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
