I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
