I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
