I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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