My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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