Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Randomize
