Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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