Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
