We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Randomize