I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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