I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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