i think i recognize dicks better than faces
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
