I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
i drank out of a bidet.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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