i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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