did i walk over a car last night?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
