Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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