So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
