I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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