i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
