Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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