She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
