I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
