I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize