so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
