Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Randomize
