Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
