what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize