just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
