K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
im holly from the hills drunk
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
